GoodbyeLove

2002-08-27T22:56:00.000-05:00

Well I'm sick of being fat
and I'm sick of being second place
ana youre my obsession
I love you to the bone.

well guys..its come to this..I *thought* I was doing better...I *thought* she had gone away, but no, no, not ever..ana never goes away..shes always there, lurking to find when she can come out and grab your soul once again. This time, she has gotten me stronger than ever...I want to be so emaciated and thin and sick that there is no doubt in anybody's mind that I am anorexic. Ana will scream silently inside me..she will control my life. Tomorrow, the next day, and then the next. Tomorrow..I'm not eating breakfast, eating yogurt and some carrot sticks for lunch, working out 3 hrs with guard, coming home and having a small salad..and then getting up at 5:30 to run my four miles. Ana you're my obsession..I will lose so much, until I am happy, until I am the thinnest person..until I can wear a 2..until I am thinner than my friend, prettier than my friend, and better than my friend..my parents will love me when I'm thin..I will love me when I'm thin...

2002-08-19T23:52:00.000-05:00

Hey guys..

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything..been extremely busy, but anyway..
Right now I am very very depressed and upset with myself..I am so ugly and fat and worthless, I dont deserve anything. I hate my body, I hate hate hate myself..today I ate HORRIBLY and one of my friends, omg she triggers me so freakin much, she is TINY and her legs are tiny and I would DIE to have that body..seriously..If I could look like that I know I would be so much happier with myself. She wears the cutest most perfect clothes on her tiny body and they look really good on her...and then shes in guard with me and all I can see in our stupid spandex is the fat on my hips and my middle..and her perfect skinny body. It makes me so sick. I wish I looked like that. I wanna be thinner than her so badly..I want her to be jealous of me because I am thinner than her, which inevitably means I am better than her. I want to be able to wear a freakin size 4 in pants and everything else..OH I WANT TO BE THINNER THAN HER!! ARGH! she frustrates me so much and makes me feel like a cow..I mean at lunch she barely eats anything and then is like oh my gosh I'm so fat..blah blah blah BITCH! SHUT THE F UP! YOU ARE SO FIN SKINNY! aggggggggggggg lol I'm sorry..I have to be better than her..I have to be..
"Sometimes is never quite enough
When you're FLAWLESS then you'll win my love
don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face.."

I want to wake up tomorrow and be 120 with thin thin thin legs..I am so upset and stressed out and tired right now. Night all..

2002-08-13T22:41:00.000-05:00

Hey Everybody..

Ok, first real entry..whoohoo hehe.
Today was a very very bad day for me..and it's like I have nobody to vent to. First, my mom didn't work today because she didn't "feel good" and my daddy had some cancellations so he came home. Well the minute he comes home they start fighting about stuff, I don't even know what its about but its so horrible..they start yelling and then screaming profanities at one another and throwing things and slamming doors. My dad is going to work in another town because he has this awesome job opportunity..and he's not home yet..stormed out of the house at 2..but my mom screamed back at him.." I can't wait until you move out!" oh my gosh..I ran up to my room and cried forever and then I couldn't take it so I got in my car and drove around and went to starbucks and had some mocha frappuchino...which is like all I ate today but thats still alot for me..stupid Ana. So then I get home and my mom starts yelling at me about everything..and once again I never feel good enough for her so I push myself harder and harder..like I don't even want to eat tomorrow at all..and then I have guard. That was ok..except I'm really frustrated with my guy situation right now and there is this freshman who ALL of the seniors like..she is really pretty but she was like flirting with them and I felt so bad.
Ok..there is this guy Kristian, who I want to date so bad, like I can see myself being with him and being so happy..but he is always so busy and just "wants to be friends"..that makes me so mad, because I know I want him, and I would love to tell him that I'm just head over heels crazy for him, but I don't want to scare him away. I want to go to my senior prom with him and maybe I might make homecoming court again..if they can find a dress big enough for me..anyway..I just want somebody to love me right now, and he is gorgeous, I know all of my friends would like him and he has an amazing personality and likes to dance like me! But we will see..I want somebody to help me feel good about myself because right now I feel like a piece of sh*t..and I have a sinus infection too and I can't get rid of it...I know it's because I haven't been eating a lot..
well thats all for now..I will talk with you later. Take care all.

2002-08-12T00:47:00.000-05:00

Hello Everybody..

Well I decided to create this..it probably sucks right now cause I haven't quite figured it all out yet..but I will soon. This post was just to see if everything is going ok..I will post something worth reading later. Take care and well I was going to say goodnight, but good morning..lol insomniac here..